Late night

Its the middle of the night. Simply put,I can't sleep

I fell asleep when I got home,but awoke within an hour to what I thought was someone standing over my bed. It was just a stupid shadow, but it terrified me to the point of screaming and hitting the light to come on. I've always had bad dreams,or vivid dreams. (Per my father's surprising encouragement, I became a filmmaker to do somethinhg with them. I sometimes wonder,if he had them too. )

My heart was beating so hard, it took a while to calm down. This was the worst one I've had in a long time. But now, I'm wide awake, and no one to talk to about it. My stomach aches from either the lack of food, the wrong drink, or my body struggling to heal itself.

I can't deny there is a lot on my mind. So much work to be done and some stuff to process. I'm in uncharted territory, but then again, I always I am. I've setup my life to keep me on my toes, whether consciously or subconsciously. Blame it on senior philosophy class that planted the seed early on about the running from a state of nonbeing. But I know what the real problem is...

I feel that a part of my life is out of my control. Let's face it, control is an illusion. We can't control the weather,nor even what happens to our own bodies. Something quiet can invade before we know it. I hate the cage. This all stems from my being grounded. It's not just the inability to get on my bike, it's the frustration of not being able to do what I want and watching opportunity pass me by.

I apologize If this blog has turned into a seeming whine-fest. But I told you when I started it, that I wasnt going to hold back. It's more for me to work through this complicated mess of a mind I've been given.

I wonder if anyone else is lying awake at this same moment. Maybe my dubious rumblings will help someone else wade through their mess too. I escape into my work, my books, for now, walking, or my friends and even the bottle at times. Anything that gives me some illusion back.

Often times, I wish I could just shut off my brain, like a switch.

In the famous words of Sarah Conner's coworker, "Ina hundred years, who's gonna care", right?

But rest assured, tomorrow, when the sun comes up, as it so relentlessly does, all these doubts, fears, and longings, will diminish.

A friend in the military taught me once, to stop trying to comprehend the big picture in these moments. Take care of what's immediately around me. What can I affect right now? Turn this mental energy into something constructive.

(On a side note, just this very moment, a car has raced up Buckner, with someone yelling out their car. Now if that isn't a bit unsettling...)

Life has a weird sense of humor. Someone should kick it in the balls.


Clear skies. I don't even care if they're calm.