Re-Cycle

It's july, and I find that i can start to walk without my crutches a little. So, what does a benched cyclist do, that has missed a great vacation cycling w/ all her friends across Iowa. I walk. Or try to.

Here i am, again.

This time, i put on some real workout clothes, even if i'm only going to go a short distance. It's silly to waste those clothes on a mile or two, but it helps me think i'm working back toward my bicycle.

With audiobook and cyclemeter cranked up, and a bottle of water since it's about 105 outside, I start my walk.

I decided on the second book of The Hunger Games. It's stories help me disappear into a world that i dont live in, don't really want to live in and can while away the boring walk.  As i'm listening to the narrator explain Katness' situation with men, the games, the tributes, etc. I noticed i am walking in the same location i listened to the books back in March, when my body was healing from a surgery.

Here i am, again, i thought. Only this time, there are huge differences.

As i listen to the book speak about Katness' father. I think of my own.

Just in March, when i listented to this same book, on the same roads, my dad was alive. I couldn't really connect with what she was feeling in the book, having lost her father. My father has recently passed away, just a few weeks ago. And the enormity of my loss hadn't really hit me until now. It's been there, I'm not unfeeling. I just hadn't let it burrow in deep, the sorrow that is.

In fact, i only let the bad in a little at a time.  I always dreaded this time in my life, like a dark cloud hanging over my head. I always worried over how I could deal with it.  I realized, i only let the bad stuff in a little at a time.

If you let really bad stuff hit you deep and you let the wounds grow bigger than you can handle, you'll lose yourself, or i would.  This isn't one of those days were I get the luxury of mouring a loss for a day, then moving on. IT's a loss that will rear its head all the time. Like a virus or bacteria waiting until  my immune system is compromised.

Katness' world then spins around men in her life. And i think of mine. This time when i listened to the book,  back in March, i was single and caught up in a few intrigues that were not good for me at all.  Lonliness was kept at bay with books, friends and parties. I couldnt ride then either.  This time, it's different as well. I know have Mike, my angel sent to me.

That I have lost and gained in a matter of weeks is a giant set of life changing events.
And still, to the person idling watching me walk by, and does not know me, all they'll notice is that i am walking again, where i used to ride, and this time, with a definite limp.

But life does move on.  I still have a job i love, and that i must attend to. i still pay rent, and i still have my two boy cats who wreak havoc, and mostly in humorous ways, though my little duplex.

My body  grows stronger, and so does my ability to let the sorrow and the happiness intermix in the right porprotions. THat's not to say, i don't break down in tears, or laugh my ass off at what might seem to be the most inapprorpiate time.

Walking.  That's all i have at the moment. And a few arm weights.  Tuesday i see the orthopedic. An appt i've been waiting so impatiently  for.  I wlll post those results, and hopefully the begining of my therapy for the path back to my bike, and life as i knew it.

It will never be life as i knew it. But, it's life.