Resting Bitch Face - Part 1

Yeah, I'm going to get all girly on you.

Recently, i looked into the mirror and started noticing a lot more issues with my face. 

1) Erythematotelangiectatic rosacea
2) Hyperpigmentation
3) Droopy skin just under my chine
4) wrinkles around my eyes
5) jowels


I'm 50, so i get why women who reach my age, just say 'eff it' and go on with their lives. What a pain in the ass growing old.  I am not trying to be vain, but I just don't like the idea of looking in the mirror and seeing a 50 year old.  

It goes deeper than that, some of the issues with my skin, are related to sun damage. I'm pretty outdoorsy and like to run and ride my bike.  It's near impossible to stay out of the sun. I always use sunscreen, but even block 100 doesn't keep the skin from tanning, despite my efforts. This can turn into cancer.  We don't want that. 

Then there is Resting Bitch Face or RBF.  This is when you aren't smiling and everyone thinks your either pissed off, or you look like an angry old spinster with 17 cats. I am well on my way. 

My sister, an amazing artist, was talking to me about face structure. She's created a lot of portraits, and has studied facial anatomy.  She told me, a baby's face is rounded due to the muscles used to nurse.  Obviously as we age, we don't nurse anymore and those muscles atrophy and sag.

Of course, i tell my male friends about this, and they get excited considering the solution.  Back it down, boys. This isn't about you.

The other day, a friend was posting about NuFace.  It's microcurrent tech. It's come a long way. This started my journey down the rabbit hole. 

As I started my research, i began to notice how much tech there is in the world. 
I started with the NuFace, and looked for testimonials and reviews on both the general web, amazon and youtube.  The praise seems pretty high, but so is the price.



What can the NuFace do for me?  Well, it seems it can attack problems 3-5, which causes RBF.

What is micro current and what does it do?  If any of you work out, you tear down a muscle, rest, and the muscle rebuilds itself stronger and you get a rocking bod.  Then if you quit working out, you go back to resting your cake plate on your love handles while you reach for that diet soda.  But if you start working out again, the muscle springs back quicker. 

That's what I'm told, anyway.

Micro-current does the same thing to your face.  It works it out.  It's been around a long time. Most of the older appliances look pretty barbaric and terrifying, like some device they'd used at Gitmo or the Inquisition, if the Inquisition had electricity and electrodes.  NuFace has refined it's tech, and if you get the largest unit, it comes with some other attachments target problem #4.

What the hell.  
i watched the how-to videos. That lady looks amazing.  They did a good job picking someone that makes me want to throw down some cash. Damnit.
 




Here's the rub.  $325 with the big balled attachment.  Not any of the other attachments either.  Whaaaa? This thing better get my coffee in the morning and pour it down my mouth before I wake up, for that price. 

So what does a frugal girl like me do? I go to Ebay.
"Never pay full price!" my dad used to yell at me, when i'd walk into Gibson's and pick up a toy. I was 5.  I digress.

I found some new ones on auction and put in my bid. "These fools pay full price...I'm no idiot!".  I won the auction, and checked tracking every day until it arrived.

I got it! It arrived in a fancy pretty new, shrink wrapped box.  It was so pretty and new, and i couldn't wait to use it. In anticipation, I had ordered some extras...some electrode goop per other's reviews, some aloe vera. I was ready.

When it was all charged up, i slathered that bluish blop on my face, loaded up the app on my iphone with the how to videos, and braced myself to get beautiful.

ow. eh, this damn thing hurts.  I put it on it's lowest setting and tried it again.  

Has your big brother ever talked you into putting your tongue on a 9-volt battery?   Imagine that, on my face, like 3x as strong.  It was so strong it made my face twitch. I looked like i was having a seizure.  I did the whole 5 minute routine, cleaned it and put it away.  I am going to look so hot.

The next night, i did it again. This time i used the goop that came with it. Half the tube, i read all the directions, checked the warranty card, etc.  Still, it shocked the living shit out of my face.   My right eye twitched like i had a  nervous condition. What the what?

Now, i started investing attachments. Because damnit, beauty hurts.

The more i searched the more i became acutely aware of Ebay Counterfeits. 
Let me restate,...this item came in a brand new box, with all the paperwork, shink wrapped! 

My denial tuned into utter confusion. I felt like that day I realized Lance Armstrong might have actually doped.  

The list of counterfeit symptoms:  Shocks the hell out of you.  Attachments wont fit it.  No serial number.  

I checked the ebay auction. 2 weeks return time. I was on the last day.

I raced home. I remember sitting at a stop sign, thinking..NO WAY that was counterfeit. IT was just someone selling their extra NuFace.  Then i had noticed they had sold at least 30 of the units. 

I yanked off the attachment. Sure enough..no serial number.  I didn't need to order an attachment to realize i'd been scammed.

I called NuFace. The lady was quite charming and chatted with me at length about the product.  "It should not shock", she said. She related to me how sophisticated the counterfeits from China had become.  Down to the paperwork, the box, etc.   My world began to crumble and I sat with my head spinning.  

"The danger of this knock off, is that the current is NOT balanced, and the strength is over the safety levels. You can burn your face and cause some real muscle damage". 

HOLY 
SHIT.

She told me that i could buy a refurbished unit from the company, for a little more than what i got the fake one from ebay, complete with warranty.

Like a good consumer, consumed by my vanity, i forked over my cc, while immediately packing up the counterfeit product and emailing the ebay auctioner.

Now the ebay person, claimed they'd sold "100s of these and only had one refund request".  Now, you got two.  I wonder if they really knew they were pedalling fake goods. The NuFace website points out that Ebay purchases are NOT warrantied for that reason. So, not only are you out the money, but you are out of any legal action if you tase the shit out of your face.  

They quickly refunded my money back, no questions asked. hmm.

When my genuine NuFace arrived, it came in a sleek travel bag. No box. It was refurbished, and the only difference, is that I couldn't return it in 60 days if i hated it.  Fine. I'm in. All the way.

I feel like my whole life has been a lie. I've bought NUMEROUS stuff, name brand stuff from Ebay. I always wondered how the prices were so cheap.  A few of the name brand stuff i did buy on Ebay, was fully warranty by their respective companies, so I don't think 'everything' i bought has been a fake. Some of my world, is still intact.

I tried my authentic NuFace.  No shocks, but it does tingle if i get it near the edge of the skin spooge, and my forehead skin is quite thin, so it can hurt a little near the scalp.

Results?  Well, its about week 3, and honestly, I don't see much lift yet.  However, it does take a while, just like working out.  So, i'm in for the long haul.  My skin is starting to firm up, but i'm not sure if that's this or the other tech, which i will learn you later.

My faith is strong, and so is my vanity.

boom.
Clear skies!